Finally the holidays are here. I've been anticipating it ever since forever. Now, it is time to have everything back on track. Be it from my morning run to the updates of all photos etc.

Life.. well, i cant seem to say much about it. Mostly, everything just happened the way how surroundings want it to be. Sometimes i feel as though I'm leading a life for others. Definitely i don't feel the contentment deep down inside. All i can say is that, everything visible now is all facade. All I'm holding on is those words that says, "For my future ahead, that would for sure benefit me later on" or simply "For my own good".

But I've yet to REALLY see any. Nah, I'm not saying that i don't see anything. Well, i did. But to a certain extend ONLY. Still not up to my expectation.

As much as i dislike boredom, i dislike having to be in an 'adult' atmosphere even more. I'm not hinting on about the hatred being an adult. I like it though. The challenge really excites me. But hey, in every adults, there's a kid in them. And i definitely don't wish to shun that playfully mischievous character in me. Hell no! Yes, you can now say I'm annoyed.

Bring me to the playground and I'd love to climb up those walls and jump around. Bring me to the crowded place and I'd love to run here and there playing catching. Bring me to the toysr'us and I'd love to have myself vigorously moved around, holding a swordplay. Gosh! That would really arouse me much! Basically silence and boredom wipe me out!

What i intended to do now is to start everything afresh. To be back to who i used to be. Bottom line is to get back my happiness, which is to feel back the contentment in my life! (: Just like old days... having to lead my life fully, with doing just anything my own way. However definitely with a strong firm faith at heart. To know what's right and what's wrong is important, in order to prevent myself from digressing towards the negatives side. heh.

I'll be back.

..and to you, i need to let you go. Pardon me for everything. Have me out of your heart, i plead.



Like lettuce, with layer after layer of faults, evils, immoralities, childishness etc but once those layers have been removed, it is left with a soft, smooth, as though a very virtuous inside. Exactly like him, a lettuce. He may look indecent with his behavior and attitude but inside of him, he is full of purity, gentleness, gracious and charm. One of a kind, no doubt he is! (:

To have someone who could put up with your disastrous attitude, terrible behavior and awful conducts, he is definitely worth the keep. I was very temperamental. I could just burst out with rage even over a slightest thing. I could just go sulking forever without having a second thought for him. In short, i always do things irrationally and run away from situations. Every time that happens, he never fails to be there, to remedy all mistakes, even if it takes him to contact me for 100 of miss calls through the night or to search for me around the whole campus. Tell me, where can i find this kind of patient boy again? For that, i truly look up to him, admired his patience.

Boy, i never doubt this love of yours. I never doubt your words. I never doubt your actions. True love is not having calls on the phone. True love is not going out to catch movie. True love is not having dinner together. True love is not posting up the three words at you fb account. True love... True love is not just that. True love, it requires sacrifices. It may not always end up with a happy ever after. It may not always fetch up a graceful happiness. A contentment to know that the heart will always unite despite every obstacles and that, though physically we are far but always near by the heart is just enough, enough to prove the love within.

I am a strict sister. Though i may seem passionately close to her, but when it comes to taking care of her, i am rigid. I never wanted her to go astray. I never wanted her to get influenced. Alhamdulillah, she's a girl with a firm stand. And that, i believe she knows what's wrong and what's right. Always, i would take note of all her friends that she's mixing with. There was once when she hasn't attain my trust. Every time i would notice her busy on the phone and get home late. Saw their photos several time. Worst thing when i know nothing about the person. Finally i decided to look into the matter and get things straight. I never care about age, all i care is my sister's safety. Had a long talk with him, gathering all information and thus, brought him home to meet the parents. In short, i never like seeing her getting all close with the opposite gender without informing us. Alhamdulillah, she finally received my trust and till now, she keeps it with her. For that, the knotted tie, i loosen it a little.

When i come think of it, if i were to foresee myself as a parent in years time, i would definitely be against the idea of relationship involvement in my children's life. Call me old fashioned, i would still forbid.

Because from my point of view, there is no such thing as a girl-boy relationship. It's either you are married or you are not. Well, somehow, it is like you are entering into a pre-marital relationship. Inadvertently, it can ruin the community by corrupting the people. Though sometimes children may say that they can control themselves and simply enjoy each others company but the fact that when they are alone together, there will be a third person between them, who would whisper and tempt them with the forbidden.

Thus, i rather have my future kid NOT to commit in any relationship matters. At least this can shun all avenues leading to corruption of the mind, body and soul. Basically it is like as though they have sadly fallen prey to the snares of Western society. Sad but true.

I used to be in a relationship before. That was due to the pressure i felt when my girls had one. I was 12 at that point of time. I was still naive. The parents disallowed but i still went on. I just hate the fact that i would have an ex or i would be someone's ex girlfriend. Thus, i carried on with the status, though my feelings had somehow varied. Even so, i never pursued directly. I then decided to sternly say no to girlfriend-boyfriend relationship to my kids in the future, so as to prevent them to make the mistake i did once and the awful feelings that has accompanied me ever since.

If i want my future kids to respect my decision, i should respect the parents decision too. From his sides as well. Because i would do the same thing like his parents, if i too were a parent. And i amply agree with the decision they have made. No girlfriend-boyfriend Relationship that is!

I should have understood better. Therefore from now onwards, it is best to separate the matters of the heart and the righteous deeds, which involves great responsibilities. If i cant achieve this, how am i to even become a human?

I believe we can, dearest you. Furthermore, remember we're doing the right thing (:


It's nearly 6am soon. In half an hour time, that is. And i've yet to have my sleep. Feeling very cranky right now. Worst when it falls on the red month. Presentation tomorrow, with that young nonsence lecturer. Such a perfectionist he is, which somehow pisses my group off. Well, it was our fault actually, for not obeying his orders. At least, we got to do things differently. Unique you can say that (: About the Robotic Fridge above, it was supposed to be demolished from our ideas. However, in this industrial design module, we're the designers. Thus, we see no wrong ideating it (:

Have you ever encountered a forbidden love before? When the love is so strong that you could just give your all but sadly, you both just couldn't be together. Obstacles not only just from one side but from both parties. It is sad knowing how much stories we have gone through together till this far... episodes after episodes that we have went across to fight for this love and after all the 'achievements' that we have successfully attained, suddenly it was dawn on us that we have to step back and move on from there.

Her: I love you..
Him: I love you even more dear.....

However........

There's a but...

Anyway, common tests in 2 weeks time. Burning the midnight oil period! The classmates gonna have a study session tomorrow, yay! I better get going. 1 hour more to shower. I need a nap. Till i be back again, takecare!


Tuesday; 23/11/2010

We could be denoted as the most loveliest couple on earth with silly things never fail to entertain us. We could also be the very villain couple one could have ever seen. Above all, the love within still remain, never vanished. That, i truly believe.

It was your birthday when i hurt you in front of so many people. It was your birthday when i brought tears to your eyes. It was your birthday when i carved that gloomy look on your face. But you held it so good. Your temper, you controlled them very well. Congratulation, dearest boy.

It was 9am when we're supposed to be in the lecture theater. Instead, we quarreled all the way from the bus to the same old field of greenery which we used to do before. That bus stop. It was an awesome talk for that whole of 3 hours. Everything, just everything we kept inside were revealed. Those misunderstandings. Those truths. Those silent war inside our heads. Just everything. And i have to say this, you improved a lot. Your level of patience has increased. You controlled your temper real good that i couldn't stop thanking Allah upon seeing that change of yours. Bit by bit, i believe you can. Insya'Allah. Have faith in yourselves. I always have.

HP was in half an hour time hence, definitely we didn't give it a miss, though i would be watching it again next week. As always, taking pictures in the cinema is like a norm. Well, doing crimes is fun, you know. In which that has made US till this far. Hees. When you held me so tight in your arms.. When you caressed my hair.. When you pulled me close to you.. I could feel how fast your heart beats. I could feel the breaking inside of you that apparently you weren't anticipating the midnight. Just so you know, i wish God would have postponed that midnight to another so that we could have spent more hours together.

Due to the long duration, we forgo both modules, Learning to learn and National Education. Okay, once in a blue moon. Forgivable shall then it be, hee.

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Such a heavy one. Really. I couldn't finish both the fillets, even though i can be that big eater. That goes the same for the birthday boy. Ended up, we wrapped those left over LONG chicken snacks with tissues and brought it along to school. The next class was in 10 minutes time. Cabbed to NYP and forced in those snacks into our tummy. Cute as it sound, i felt bloated. I felt heavy. In short, i felt uber fat. Lol.

Received a miss call and some messages from him, even though he was few sittings away. Having to realize that it was left with 7 hours more really shattered me deep down. I was really down that i couldn't concentrate during that lab session. Luckily i understood what was going on. That modulation thingy etc. Only that, my mind wasn't there.

Looking at him, with his gloomy look, especially from his depressed eyes, i couldn't help but to look away and put a distance between us. I hated that sadness atmosphere. I don't like seeing him breaking that way. You, it's not that i wanna run away but i was just to sad, to sad to even look at you, to greet and acknowledge your watching. I'm sorry.

The end of class. Another 2 hours of talking session. It was definitely a moment. A moment to be cherished. A moment to be remembered. A moment to always callback each time when we feel the missing presence for each other later in the future.

All this time i thought you didnt care. All this time i thought you have given up. Little did i know that you held everything inside and forcefully swallowed them. I like it when you said you're better than him. I like it when you said you could love and take good care of me better. I like it when you denoted that if compared to him, you're the perfect one for me. I like it, i like it very much.

You asked me what's gonna happen when midnight comes. You wanted to know every single detail. And i just kept quiet. Truth is, i dont want to know. Truth is, i want everything to happen unexpectedly. I dont wish to plan things out. Definitely not for this. Let the time decides. You were afraid that i wouldnt want to talk. You feared i would ignore your night calls. You were scared that i would dismiss your messages. Basically you feared i would treat you the same like the others. Just so you know dear boy, even if i do, it'd be a hard time for me.

You stood up and walked to the open space. I watched you from that distance, not knowing what you're gonna do. At that point, all i wished was for you to calm your mind. Surprised when you opened your arms widely. Without hesitant, i ran to you and... it was really a breeze having to be in your embrace. You told me to listen to every of your words, without me saying anything. You hugged me tight and denoted your love, telling me that forever the love will remain and no others could be my replacement. Later on, when i saw that genuine tears running down through your cheek, i went speechless, that i didn't know what to do. We were then immersed in our own world, accompanied by our tears. That was the moment to be cherished, to be remembered, to be treasured....

It was 8pm when you had to leave for soccer. Never thought that you would lose your mood for the game and turned up 2 hours late for it, just because of me. That was really unbelievable, dear love. I then realized i have only 1 and a half hour left to start the preparation.

The plan was to have candle light dinner with birthday wishes lighted up at the side. So i rushed through my way to Tampines and by then it was already 9pm. Definitely time wasn't enough. So last minute back up plan was used. And that was to have JCO doughnuts instead. After which, i dashed my way to IKEA to buy the candles. Got myself tripped while on the way to the entrance. Singaporeans reacted as though they have never seen people falling down before, looking very surprised with their mouth a little opened. LOL! Ignored them and ran to the candle section and grabbed the desired thing. Cabbed to school and reached there around 950pm.

Went to the open space. Arranged the candles as planned. Since time was insufficient, only his name could be set up. Encountered problems with the lighter, then the candle string which really made me rushed like mad. Alhamdulillah, thank God, finally at around 1020pm, everything was done. I should have bought 2 long candles. It was supposed to be placed on top of his doughnut. But since i have used it to light up the other candles (which could only survived for few minutes, gr), it could no longer be used. The reason why i had troubles lighting up the name due to the short survival of the longer one. haha.

Called Jovin up since the birthday boy was with him. Directed him to the place. While waiting for them, the security was on her check. So i quickly ran to her and asked for the permission. After some pleading made, it was settled. Thanks! Really owe her one! (:

My heart was beating really fast. My palm was sweating. My legs were shivering. I was nervous to see his reaction. I was nervous throughout the waiting. And when he came, standing right beside his lighted name, i slowly walked towards and.... it was really a joy and relief when he pulled me close to him and gave me a peck on my cheek. Especially seeing his smiles glittered on his face, all the hard works and the injuries i encountered vanished straight away. It really worth everything. His genuine smile was what i wanted to achieve, to see. Yes, all i wanted was those smiles to be alive on his birthday.

A video was taken with him blowing off his lighted name. Though visually the light has vanished, but the the name will always be lighted up in every corner of my heart. Because the footing he has marked beautifully inside is irreplaceable and definitely couldn't be removed. Permanently there despite anything. Will post the Video once it has been uploaded (:

Cabbed home and that was the end of the day (:

Wednesday; 24/11/1010

Was supposed to go Tekong. Sadly, i forgot that i had a test on that day. However, Alhamdulillah i passed, despite that 2 hours of study. hehe! Next coming up. And i wanna obtain it by early-mid next year. Yes, InsyaAllah. I want a Gilera, by 21. However, in order to have that, class 3 license i should possess first. An order from beloved Ayah (:

The first person who contacted me right after my test was none other than Hairi. It was sweet of him, really (: Thought of meeting Hasif but in the end, i wasn't in the mood so gave him a message about it. Reached home, both Cik Sam and Ayu were there. Played with Ayu online games and we gossiped alot. That kid is really cute. Such a bright kid she is.

Me: Ayu kat rumah, tengah main game. Kita kidnap ayu boleh?
Hairi: You kidnap ayu. I kidnap you. Baru fair. Hehe!

Hahaha. Showed Ayah the message. And we both laughed. Btw, it was really cute how that day after school, met Hairi up at Bedok Inter before headed to his house to have tea and chit chats with his parents, after which he sent me home and we had dinner at my house. Ibu was on the phone with his mum. Ayah then said, after that, i'll send Hairi home and vice versa... "bila nak game pon tak tau" Lol!

That night, Wednesday, i was really confused. Especially when the boy explained things to me, when he told me everything that had happened. All i thought was, he shouldn't have reported it. What's more when the special ties has already cut off. He is free to do whatever he wants. those numerous missed calls. My apologies for not answering them. The thing is, i just want you to know, I'm freeing you, my boy.

Thanks Hairi for the talk that night when i needed someone to keep me company. Really appreciate it.

''Tell me how am I gona leave when ure my life? Discarding you means discarding my life" -Him

Thursday; 25/11/2010

More confused when the special thing dosen't seem to break off. Arguments again when he got to know about the message i sent. I hope you'd understand that all i want to see is your happiness. For goodness sake, i know what i'm doing. Sometimes it's best to have someone who love you than you loving someone who you couldn't give you the happiness. You know i cant, though you said that i'm the source. I hate seeing you shattered, what's more after seeing the messages between me and him. The phone calls between me and him. The outings between me and him.

You hugged me tight, with that genuinely solid peck and those words you affirmed me about your love really touched my heart. I wish everything would be back as beautiful as how it used to. Like you, i miss those days too. However, everything is gradually changing now, my dear. You contacted me after your soccer. We laughed, saying out our misses and all. Seriously i don't know till when can this lasts. Each time i advise you to go with another, you'd turn berserk. Tell me how are you gonna move on? With you seeing me with another shattered me deep down, if you don't know!

Jovin:
If you keep telling me to go to other girls whom i dont have feelings for, i'll be very angry too. This time, it's your fault. It's really your fault.


I'm just not in the mood to rant. Tired. Confused. Tense. I just need a warm tight hug. I'll be back.

Several blogs before this but with no firmness of purpose in life, they verily mean nothing. For that, it started out the birth of this crowningtale, with an aim to start life all afresh with more attributes in life. I'm Nur'Ain Bte Ismail, by the way. 27th January every year. Currently taking up diploma in ECC over at Nanyang Polytechnic of Singapore. '91.

Kitteyn.blogspot.com
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Innitial hits on 23rd August 2010, 2.27am

When songs take over the words..

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Nurkaseh Amalina Aznizan Nur Elfirawaty


Experiences » August 2010 » September 2010 » October 2010 » November 2010 » December 2010

I've come to believe that all my past failure and frustrations were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy